Since writing Family Driven Faith, I have been flooded with emails from people seeking help, guidance, or counsel.  The overwhelming majority of the letters and emails have come from women.  These women mean well.  They want to do what’s best for their children, their family, or their church.  The emails I receive fall into roughly three categories.

First, there are the women who want their husbands to lead but they don’t know how to make him... I mean, encourage them to lead biblically.  These women write some of the most gut-wrenching emails you’ve ever seen.  They have all “tried EVERYTHING,” though they all admit to “not having been as ‘submissive,’ or ‘supportive’ as they could have been in the past.  Some of these women want me to talk to their husbands.  Others just want me to give them advice on how they can get their husbands to step up and play the man.

In addition to these women, there are the women whose husbands are leading in a direction they do not wish to go.  These women are committed to what they see as “the best path for their family,” but their husbands are trying to go in another direction.  For instance, I have heard from a couple of homeschool moms whose husbands want to send their children back to the government school.  These women are desperate, and I don’t blame them.

Finally, there are those men and women who want to see their church go in a more Family Integrated (or at least family friendly) direction.  These are people who love the Lord, and love their local church.  They do not wish to be divisive, or cause trouble.  However, they have ‘seen the light’ and want their church to get on board with the Family Integrated revolution.  They all ask if there is a book or something that will give step-by-step instructions for people who find themselves trapped in a church that won’t change.

Unfortunately, my hands are tied in each of these cases.  As much as I would love to help these people and walk them through their rough spots, I cannot (or in some cases I simply will not) do so.  Allow me to outline four reasons why I choose to stay out of these situations if at all possible.

I CANNOT ANSWER BASED ON PARTIAL INFORMATION

The first reason I try to avoid becoming involved in these issues is the one-sided nature of the communication.  “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him” (Proverbs 18:17 ESV). I must constantly keep this principle in mind when I receive emails asking for advice.  This is especially true since I rarely know the person seeking my advice (another problem altogether). 

Not only am I dealing with one-sided information, it is also incomplete.  Just a few verses earlier in Proverbs we read: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13 ESV).  Thus, it is incumbent upon those who give advice to get as much information as possible before speaking.  This is not to say that one cannot speak to an issue in principle.    In fact, that is what I try to do in these occasional blogs.  However, when I am dealing with people I don’t know and circumstances that have been condensed into a single email, I am hesitant to speak.

I TRY NOT TO ANSWER WHEN YOUR PASTOR SHOULD

I have the utmost respect for the local church.  I have been preaching for nineteen years.  In that time, I have spent nearly eighteen of those years serving the local church.  Even now, though I make my living from my itinerant ministry, I serve as Pastor of Preaching at a local church I helped plant two years ago.  It is this commitment to the local church that causes me to be reluctant when it comes to offering advice to members of other churches. 

The Bible says, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.” (Hebrews 13:17 ESV).  I believe this.  As such, I am very uncomfortable doing anything more than suggesting to people how they may respectfully raise pertinent subjects with their leaders. 

I realize that many people contact me because they cannot get to their pastors (a fact I find revolting).  However, if they have chosen to attend a church, they have chosen to submit themselves to its leadership.  If that means they can only get advice from some guy twice removed from a pastor or elder, then so be it.  If this arrangement is unacceptable, there’s a simple solution...  FIND ANOTHER CHURCH!  Just say no to the entertainment-driven mentality that says its better to have a pastor who is entertaining in the pulpit than it is to have one who actually shepherds the flock.  That guy with a hundred and fifty members may not get many calls to preach at the annual denominational meeting, but he probably visits the hospital every now and then.

John Calvin, commenting on Hebrews 13:17, argued that while this verse clearly called for submission to pastors/elders, it also calls for care in choosing those to whom we submit ourselves.  Calvin wrote:

But it ought at the same time to be noticed that the Apostle speaks only of those who faithfully performed their office; for they who have nothing but the title, nay, who use the title of pastors for the purpose of destroying the Church, deserve but little reverence and still less confidence. And this also is what the Apostle plainly sets forth when he says, that they watched for their souls, — a duty which is not performed but by those who are faithful rulers, and are really what they are called.

I WILL NOT ANSWER WHEN YOUR HUSBAND MUST

I know this is going to bug my egalitarian friends (and you know how much that bothers me), but one of the most disturbing aspects of this whole phenomenon is the number of women who do not even realize 1) the lack of submission they are showing by even broaching these subjects with a stranger,  2)  the position they are putting me in as they pit me against their husbands, or 3) the futility of any response I give.

First, these women are often showing a lack of submission to their husbands in bring these issues to me (a total stranger in most cases).  The Bible is clear, wives are to “submit to their own husbands in everything“ (Eph. 5:22-24; cf. Col. 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-6).  This is not only true when their husbands are doing the ‘right’ thing, or even the biblical thing, but also when their husbands are being “disobedient to the Word” (1 Peter 3:1).  Therefore, it doesn’t matter how much verbiage they use to clean it up (i.e., I know this is my husband’s call, but I just...), they are still in danger of failing to walk in biblical submission.

Second, these women are asking me to either validate or invalidate their husbands.  This is an untenable position.  If I agree with their husbands and they go away resolved to go along with him because of what I’ve said, then they have actually submitted to me and not him.  If I disagree with their husband, then they will either 1) go back to their husband and refute his position with my words (which would be ill advised), or 2) continue to submit to their husbands while holding on to the fact that the man whose opinion they respect more than their husband’s opinion on the issue disagrees with his actions.  Again, this is a lose/lose proposition.

Finally, these women fail to see the futility in their efforts.  As stated earlier, no matter what my response, they will either submit to the wrong man, submit for the wrong reason, or add to their frustration.  Moreover, even if I am in agreement and think their husband needs a swift kick in the pants (which many of them do), I cannot deliver it!  These are matters that must be handled locally where there can be familiarity, trust and accountability.  These issues never occur in isolation.  These couples need to be discipled.  That cannot occur effectively via email.

I CANNOT SHEPHERD SHEEP I DON’T KNOW

I am absolutely committed to using my gifts to minister to the body.  However, God has not called me to be an email therapist.  This is not to say that I am upset with those people who have emailed me (well, the ones who write to nitpick bug me a little bit); on the contrary, if anything this issue makes me angry with the local church (or at least what is passing for the church in our culture). 

God intends for his ministers to “shepherd the flock,” (1 Peter 5:2) not fleece it.  When I receive these emails it makes me keenly aware of the fact that very few Christians in our culture view their pastors as, well.. Pastors.  Most see them as guys who just preach; figureheads who cast vision and draw crowds.  Unfortunately, many prominent pastors perpetuate this misconception.  Some argue that being a gifted teacher almost guarantees a lack of ‘pastoral’ inclination.  The new mega-church, multi-staff, pastor as CEO model presents the pastor as more of a ‘rancher’ than a shepherd.  He merely represents the machine, he doesn’t have time to shepherd the flock.  He doesn’t even have time to shepherd the other shepherds. 

While some of these churches provide a true biblical diaconate to take up the slack (Acts 6), many simply see the church as a different animal altogether.  This mentality is a far cry the biblical model:

“So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”” (1 Peter 5:1-5 ESV)

I take this charge very seriously.  In fact, it is because I take this charge seriously that I cannot engage in the email therapy sessions some seem to desire.  There is a body of people here in Houston to whom I am committed.  Moreover, they are committed to me.  We are in covenant with one another.

This does not mean I (or any pastor for that matter) am going to be there for every high and low in the life of every member (therefore we have a plurality of pastor/elders and qualified deacons).  However, it does mean that I have to guard my time.  Being a shepherd is not an easy task.  Don’t hear me saying that your pastor is automatically in the wrong if he hasn’t addressed your issue personally.  Bridget and I have had every member of our church in our home at least once.  We have had almost every family over for a meal.  We have a fellowship meal each week at church where the other elders and  I have an opportunity to talk with and minister to people in our congregation.  And still, I cannot be there for everything.  Nor do I expect to be.

After all, one of my duties as an elder is to be an “example to the flock” (1 Peter 5:3) in the way I shepherd and lead my own family (1 Timothy 3:2,4 ; Titus 1:6), which means I also have to be careful about becoming overextended in dealing with issues in my own congregation!  I have to follow the same advice I give to the man with a demanding job:  “Make sure you carve out ample time for your family and let your job know that the family always comes first!”  So if you write me an email about issues with your church or family and I don’t get back to you right away (or if you don’t get the response you were looking for), I hope you’ll understand. 

VB